DarkTina

dollofdreams @ 2009-09-07T21:16:00

2009-09-08T01:16:39Z

so here I am. This is mostly for my benefit cos I just really need to get some things out.
What is up with fake friends? People who just suddenly turn on you for no apparent reason or provocation? The first one was this insane girl who started spreading rumors about me and of course I have no way to know exactly what she said except that it was hurtful. Then in the same evening she accuses me of telling secrets about her that one, she never said was supposed to be a secret and two, she told other people about anyway, including someone I mentioned it to. All this, while I am desperately ill and trying to sleep, BUT, her problems are so much more important than me sleeping and trying to recover (she didnt believe I was sick anyway). Anyway, that insane friendship is over and it doesn't bother me (warning, be careful who you meet on myspace people), but I thought I'd complain about it since it's in the same category. The other false friendship is a lot more hurtful and sad to me, one that isn't likely to heal quickly as it was someone who I've been very good friends with, one of my best friends for many many years, like almost 20. This person bought me concert tickets and told me as long as I pay him by the day of the show, he was cool with it. Well, a week before one of the shows, I email him asking when would be a good time to call so we can discuss the upcoming concerts. I then get a very rude email back saying that he sold the tickets and I shouldn't have waited so long to contact him about them. He also stated that he had tried to call me about them, and left messages and I never replied. WELL, I never got any such phone calls or messages. I looked back on my phone and there was no record of him calling and there were no messages. Either one, my phone was messing up (hmm unlikely to do so more than once, but) or two, he was lying. Sadly, I tend to feel it's the second one. I am so hurt, because honestly I felt my tickets were being held for me until the day of the show and that he had wanted me to go with them. Plus his email was so darn rude, I can't believe he wrote like that to me. I am at a complete loss as to why he would act this way. There is absolutely nothing I can think of that I have done to wrong or hurt him. He was one of my best friends and we've always gotten along. I have been so happy for him lately cos he finally met the girl of his dreams and is getting married this fall. I'm wondering if it's because he is in a happy couple and I am now separated and just beneath him now. This is not something that will heal overnight. And I just can't see why he is acting this way. One of the shows was for my favorite band, he knows how much I love them, and it's just malicious to hurt me this way. I am SO bummed. Oh well, life goes on, I'm glad I got this out.......I just wonder, is there anyone else who hates me for some unknown reason. I am a nice person, too nice most of the time so I can't imagine what I've done to deserve this treatment.

dollofdreams @ 2009-08-10T19:51:00

2009-08-10T23:52:08Z

Today we took Owen bowling with his grandmother and aunties. It was a lot of fun and Owen definitely enjoyed himself. We will be doing that again. Also, Michael's has Halloween stuff!!!!!!!! Picked up a few cool items......time to redecorate :)

dollofdreams @ 2009-08-05T22:37:00

2009-08-06T02:37:45Z

I taught Owen how to ride his big wheel today. Before, he would use his legs to scoot it along, but tonight I got him to pedal.

dollofdreams @ 2009-07-25T11:40:00

2009-07-25T15:41:23Z

Deny that happiness is open as an option, and disappointment disappears overnight.

dollofdreams @ 2009-07-16T20:42:00

2009-07-17T00:43:14Z

I am not going back to school now.....at least not anytime soon. I am pretty devastated about it

dollofdreams @ 2009-06-26T10:27:00

2009-06-26T14:32:55Z

Well, I haven't been on here in weeks. I started a facebook account, and between that and Myspace, it's really all I need. Facebook is like a combination of myspace and live journal.....you leave journal comments and updates, but you also get to put up pics, add your friends and play games and use all sorts of silly apps. I don't post journal like stuff up there much either btw. Mostly quiz things lol. Nothing new really going on except that Im looking at a different school to go to, one sponsered by Redken, and it's much closer, has a better class schedule(the other one was stressing me out way more than it needed to)is cheaper, but starts in Sept. The length is the same, but yeah, the shorter distance and less stress is definitely winning out for me. I was supposed to get my student loan info started today, but I can't find the paperwork. Grrr. Oh well, I guess next time I have free time I'll fill it out. Classes don't start until Sept anyway. But really, I want to hurry up and start school. I want to hurry up and work towards changing my life for the better. I am really looking forward to getting out of the house and into a work field that I will really enjoy, being around creative people and just doing something positive. The time will come Im sure. So anyway, if you have a facebook account, look for me over there. I will try and check this whenever I can, but there are just so many things to check nowadays.
BTW Dana, I will get those dolls out to you soon. I have just been terribly broke.....hopefully next week.

dollofdreams @ 2009-05-17T20:22:00

2009-05-18T00:30:20Z

I haven't posted in along time cos I really haven't had much to report. I've been keeping real busy with Owen and social activities, and having some real fun times, but, my feelings have been all over the board so I haven't wanted to talk about anything. Well, now I have finally made a decision and it has increased my happiness factor 10 fold. I have decided on a career and going back to school to achieve this. Finally, at 37 I have discovered my calling in life. I am going to school to become a licensed esthetician (skincare professional) as well as getting a dual license in massage therapy. I am planning on going to the Aveda school here in St Pete. Anyone have any thoughts on this school or career? I asked a few people in the field for advice and this school was the top of everyone's list. I visited them last week and completely love the place. I felt this is where I need to be. This is who I am. I am thrilled! I have another appointment this week to discuss financial issues with them and if everything goes well, I will be starting in July and graduating in March - what a wonderful birthday present. Anyway, I'll post more later, gotta go put Owen to bed.........

dollofdreams @ 2009-03-07T22:07:00

2009-03-08T03:08:07Z

I FUCKING HATE DOGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dollofdreams @ 2009-03-01T21:40:00

2009-03-02T02:40:15Z

update

2009-02-27T04:20:02Z

Well, this week was interesting. It started with Saturday night (I guess) cos I was ok with the fact that I wasn't doing anything this weekend because I am going to Megacon next weekend, but then as the evening approached and I sat watching Thomas the Train with Owen I started to feel real old, and then I started to feel real trapped. So, I decided I was going to drink. So, after Owen went to sleep I poured myself a glass of strong bloody Mary and proceeded to watch "The Three Stooges" (this btw is how I envision myself sitting around home alone, drinking and watching vintage comedies lol). Well, it totally worked cos The Three Stooges almost instantly cheered me up. They rock!! And then, wouldn't you know it, Natalie calls and is on her way over, so my slightly tipsy self tells her to stop at the liquor store and come drink with me. Since she couldn't decide on just one thing, she brought over a bunch of choices and we then proceeded to get very drunk. It was a lot of fun just being drunk and giggly like that. I need to do that more often. Maybe every weekend lol. The next night I went to visit my sister in her new apt. She lives in the same apts I used to live in when I had Owen. Owen had a fun time. It was nice.
That evening, we bought 2 year passes to Busch Gardens and the next day, Monday, we all went (me, Dave and Owen). It was a disaster!! Owen started out ok, but when we got there, he only wanted to be carried by me and wanted to ride the rides, but when I couldn't go on them with him he had a fit and when I tried to put him on the ride alone cos he really wanted to ride it, he wouldn't allow the seatbelt and started crying so when I took him off the ride he got upset cos he couldn't ride the ride. GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! It was AWFUL!!!!! But, then on Wednesday, we decided to go back and take him to a different section of the park, the area with the animals and not the kiddie rides. Now that day was great! It was a leisurely time walking through the exhibits, Owen even wanted to walk, and then we went on the train and the merry go round. It was just a very good day and very pleasant experience. We will definitely go again but stay away from the kiddie area for awhile. I guess he's just not old enough or ready for it yet.
This weekend, Saturday, I am going to Megacon!! It is a sci-fi convention, but the main reason I am going is to meet Mickey Dolenz of The Monkess. They used to be one of my fave bands back in high school, and I am going with my friend Julie who used to be my Monkees fan buddy back then. She is still gaga over them, Im mostly going for old time sake and I am really looking forward to it. Also, he is going to be performing at Busch Gardens next week, so now that I have the passes, I can go and check out his show. Should be interesting. Im also really looking forward to getting out of town. I know Orlando is still close and in Florida, but even somewhere like that, and away from Owen means a lot. Plus I'll be carpooling with a big group of friends so that will be so much fun and much needed I think. I won't be driving either so I can sit back and enjoy the ride. Hopefully do some shopping too.
Until next time..............

Good news??

2009-02-20T19:01:01Z

Well, I think I have some good news. I think I saw Milton today. I was on my way from from dropping Owen off at school and I was around the corner from my house, looking at all the yards as I always do when I noticed a grey fluffy cat sleeping in one of the house's front windows! Now, I can't be sure if it IS Milton since I didn't see his face, but, it definitely lifted my spirits. I mean, what are the odds that my neighbor happens to have a grey fluffy cat also. I know it can happen, but it really makes me hopeful that he just found a new home and is living peacefully without Ophelia or Owen harassing him (yes it happened all the time). I plan to keep my eye out more and I'll update as soon as I know more.

dollofdreams @ 2009-02-12T22:24:00

2009-02-13T03:35:49Z

Well, it's been a mild week. The last couple days were good Owen and me days. Tomorrow he goes back to school and they are having a friendship/Valentine party. I had to go buy little kids v-day cards for him to give. So, yesterday we went to Target and I chose out a few of his fave characters and he picked out Spongebob. It was pretty neat. I had forgotten all about those little cards and how v-day isn't only for people in love, but for friends as well. This Saturday night I am having a couple girlfriends who don't have v-day plans over and we are going to have our own party. Apple martinis anyone? chocolate? black and red? Not another weekend home alone. Home, yes, alone, no. I made sure of that. I get too low on myself.
Owen is interesting. He knows all his colors, points things out all the time when he sees things that are red, blue, green etc, sometimes he even uses the descriptive word for what the colorful object is ie: red car. He can also count to 10! If he sees multiple things, he starts counting them and can make it all the way to 10. Counting, the alphabet, colors...I'm so proud, yet, he still can't make sentences. Everything is still just one or two words. I suppose this is normal? Lots of the other kids in his class come up to me and speak sentences. Hmm, ah well, he's very smart, he'll be speaking eventually. He sings a lot, especially in the car. We'll be driving along and he'll be in the back just singing away.
In sad news, Milton still hasn't returned home :( I just hope he found a new good home and is happy and safe, and not some other horrible fate. I try not to think about it, cos I miss him and it makes me feel quite low, but I have been cherishing the other two kitties a lot in the meantime.
Also, Dave and I are continuing to happily play Lord of the Rings online. We play it every night he's home. It is amazingly fun.
Well that's all for this week. Hopefully it will be a good weekend for all.

Boring, boring, boring

2009-02-08T05:55:35Z

Well, here is another boring weekend home alone. That makes 2 in a row, should we work on three....how about four.....on the fifth I'll be going to Megacon (yay) so can we fast forward to that day? Please. No one wants to come visit me anymore. It's not cos I'm negative, cos Im not when people come around, quite the opposite, but it's cos Im boring now. All I do is hang out with Owen. Of course I did that one photo shoot, but what is there to talk about that? Oh cool, end of conversation. I am getting SO bored with Owen. It's the same ol thing every day, go in the backyard, hit golf balls, go in the car, sit and be bored, watch children cartoons (AGAIN), play train, that gets destroyed and frustrated over only moments after I bothered to put it together in some nifty way, and generally sit home and be bored all over again, day in and day out. I just can't relate to him. And he is constantly clingy and winey ( I can't even go to the bathroom by myself). I pay so much attention to him and don't do anything for myself and then in the evenings I am SO exhausted and I don't even want to go to bed at night because I'll have to wake up to him all over again. I need a change, but I'm not sure what. Leaving and never coming back...yeah right. Going on a vacation ...double yeah right. I really want to start doing things but whenever I do something with him, it always turns out bad. The beach sucked, going to visit people with him is a challenge, plus I don't want to go out with him alone, Im scared to actually. I need a weekend boyfriend, someone who likes kids and wants to spend time with me (yeah like that'll ever happen)....ugh, Im just feeling lonely and overwhelmed again. I suppose I'll get over it again....until next time anyway. I just want to know how come I don't feel parenthood is rewarding? Everyone else seems to think so, but I only feel like I've given up my life for someone I can't even have fun with. I hate feeling this way cos I love him very much, it's just I feel like he's all I ever do and for some reason, it doesn't feel good. I'm bored with kiddie play, or at least staying home kiddie play. How much longer until I can take him places alone and it be fun? When will he grow out of the constant clinginess stage? I love him, we're just so bored :(
Also the lack of freedom, and ability to go out and have adult fun is really getting to me too. My sitter rarely can babysit (she has a life, can you blame her), and Im thinking of finding a nanny for him, just for the occasional times when I want/need to get out. Tonight I contemplated going out after Owen was asleep. Hey, he's asleep, he'll never know right? But I suppose that would be wrong. So, I am trapped here. TRAPPED! People sometimes would come over, but that always leaves the entertaining to me, after entertaining a child all day, and you know, it would be nice to get out of the house!! Run outside in the night!! Be free!! The problem with a nanny is that he barely is able to hang out with his grandmother without me there, he can't hang out with Dave alone (Dave freaks out after 5 minutes, Owen after 2), he still cries and doesn't look at me when I leave him at preschool 2 days a week, so how is he going to do with a babysitter? I"M hoping he will grow out of this too??? I remember having a babysitter when I was young and my parents going out. I didn't cry and cling when they left.
Anyway, I should get to bed so I can wake up too early with him and have another boring same ol day with him. Whoo Hooo!!

dollofdreams @ 2009-01-31T21:50:00

2009-02-01T03:00:02Z

Well, I went up to the animal shelter since it was suggested to me to do so, but alas no Milton. I even checked all the records of any cats brought in within the past couple days since he'd been gone, but he hadn't been brought there. I guess he's either on a long walkabout, or someone has adopted him. Either way, I hope he's happy and healthy. I'd love to see him again however. I'll keep this updated.

Here are more pics from that photoshoot last weekend:

To the pics

dollofdreams @ 2009-01-30T21:11:00

2009-01-31T02:16:23Z

Milton is missing. I hate even putting it into words. He went outside Wednesday morning with Owen and I and that's the last time I saw him. When he goes out in the backyard, he always comes back, especially for dinner. Now it has been a couple days. Dave says maybe he's out for an extended walk.....I hope so. I hope my next post will be me saying "Milton is back". I got more pics from the photoshoot but I'm too tired to post them....they are on myspace however so you can look there in the meantime. I have been so tired these past couple of days too. Like falling asleep when I'm lying on the couch supposed to be watching Owen. It must be this crazy weather.....or just my body shutting down from the stress of being worried about Milton.

I'm going to bed.

dollofdreams @ 2009-01-26T20:37:00

2009-01-27T01:40:54Z

I did a photoshoot this weekend and here are a few of the pics. I will have more and will post those at a future date.

To the pics

Picture update

2009-01-16T05:05:06Z

Ok, here is a picture update from Dec when I took Owen to Lowry Park Zoo.

So far this year has been great. I have been excersizing my ass off and will start modeling again as well as organizing the office/house and making things neater. Dave and I have started playing Lord of the Rings online and that is SO fun!

To the pics

dollofdreams @ 2009-01-04T20:02:00

2009-01-05T01:06:08Z

Last night I went to the movies with a couple girlfriends. Well, first I dropped Owen off at his grandmother's house and she took him to Busch Gardens. I then went shopping, out to eat, more shopping (yay Sephora) and then to the movie. We saw "Marley and Me". I don't know why but for some reason I was in the mood for something different, and since it has Owen Wilson *swoon* in it, I decided on it. I enjoyed the movie quite a bit actually. Some of it was really difficult to watch, both because of the realism of life and the eventuality of old age. But yeah, I liked it and it was real nice to go out for the night. Today has been mellow.

dollofdreams @ 2009-01-02T16:00:00

2009-01-02T21:06:31Z

Only a moment to post:

We shot off fireworks with Owen for the first time. He LOVED it! It really added a new level of enjoyment watching his reaction to it all. New Years Eve was nice, Natalie came over and her, me and Dave hung out. Dave passed out right after midnight LOL....strange since he's a nightowl and works all night. I have been feeling great since the New Year. I hope it's a sign that this will be a wonderful year for me. Owen is saying two word sentences now and knows his colors....especially red. Whenever he sees something red he points it out lol. I'm guessing that's his favorite color. I bought him a bunch of new long sleeve shirts the other day cos he refuses to wear anything else. If I put short sleeved on him, he says "no" and makes me take it off. Fortunately it hasn't been too warm outside lately, low to mid 70's, so he's doing ok. When I showed him the shirts however for him to choose which one he wanted to wear, he chose one with red stripes and said "red" :). He can say "red shirt" "red car" "blue socks" "Black pants" "Black cat". I'm so proud of him.

dollofdreams @ 2008-12-15T21:22:00

2008-12-16T02:31:11Z

Well, I pulled myself out of that slump I'd been in for what seemed like months now. Life isn't really different, but I am feeling better and that's a start. I started to pamper myself more, which is something I stopped doing (taking beautiful relaxing herbal baths), putting lotion on my feet and body and giving myself a massage, and just looking in the mirror at myself and identifying who I am again. I spent an hour and a half just focusing on me. It really helped. So now everyday I try to do something nice for myself, even if it's just giving myself a foot massage. Owen and I have been getting along better too now that I am in a better mood. He's still a hellion, but I can handle it better. I was told to try and do things you enjoy doing more often too, so I am planning on going shopping more often. Since I have days off from Owen while he's in preschool, I'm going to start shopping myself. Even if I only spend a few dollars, it'll be real nice. Last week I bought myself a pair of shorts for $4 at Target. They are real cute. And I wore them today. Today we took Owen to see Santa. I totally thought he was going to cry, but he didn't. He looked kind of concerned and shy, it was cute. They also had a train ride at the new Shoppes at Wiregrass, my new favorite shopping area. It was real nice outside today, although I'm a bit bummed that it's going to be in the 80's this week. Grrr!! I've really been enjoying being able to wear normal comfy clothes with sweaters and such these past few weeks. Oh well, hopefully it'll cool down again soon.

dollofdreams @ 2008-12-14T00:50:00

2008-12-14T05:51:10Z

Everything is much better :)

Weekends of fun and merriment (NOT)

2008-11-30T05:02:12Z

It just keeps getting worse and worse. When I used to sit home alone on the weekends I could always find something to do, there were always plenty of things I want to do, now I just sit and am incredibly depressed and cry and cry and it feels like it's getting worse. When I hang with friends, it distracts me from the loneliness and I am fine, but after everyone is gone, the sadness just comes right back. Like it's always there but just masked or pushed aside for the time being. It is affecting my ability to have fun with my child. I just feel like a failure. Maybe I just want a vacation, need a vacation, or maybe to just run away forever...but yet, what's wrong with me, I don't work.....I need a vacation from what? My loser lifestyle? WTF? I don't want to feel like this anymore, I don't want to keep having these morose weekends of self destructing thoughts and behavior. Is there ever a happiness for me again? Something real, not just masked for the time being? Something I can feel from inside? I just don't know what would make things better...make me feel better genuinely within.

dollofdreams @ 2008-11-13T22:43:00

2008-11-14T03:58:03Z

I need to figure out a way to lose weight...like 20 pounds. I just can't seem to figure it out. I don't really eat what I want to, no fried or fatty foods and no ice cream or cookies or sweets like that, I am always active with Owen, so much so that by the end of the night I crash out on my couch exhausted, and yet, nothing. I wonder if adding more cardio would help, its just finding the time that is the problem. Not only that, but for some unknown reason my leg really hurts me. I have no idea why. I didn't injure it. It just hurts when I stand up from sitting and when I walk around on it all day(or after a day of activity with Owen). I tried cardio this evening and couldn't because it HURT after 5 minutes, I was limping and had to stop. I tried yoga afterwards but couldn't do that either. Stretching it was the only way it felt better. I guess I could take aspirin and when the pain is gone, then excersize. Again, it's finding time. I have one day off to myself, fridays, I'm going to try and grab some time on Tuesdays, but the rest of the days I'm with Owen from 8am to 8pm without a break since he doesn't nap anymore. If I try and do cardio, he needs me for some reason, a drink, needs to pee etc. So of course I have to stop. Grrr. I am going to try and see if Dave will commit to 30 minutes with him on his days off, but we shall see. It seems he can't go 5 minutes with him without freaking out and saying he wants me. I'm just frustrated cos I really need to lose the weight so I can wear my clothes. Nothing fits me anymore and I don't have the money to go out and get a new wardrobe. Plus I like my clothes, and I feel better physically if I'm at a healthy weight. I can't starve myself because I get really depressed if I don't eat, and I can't have that while I'm hanging out with Owen. It's much easier and better to be in a good mood with him. He can be lots of fun nowadays! Speaking of him, I can't wait for Xmas. I already know what we're getting him and he is going to be so lucky this year and I am glad we are able to do it for him :)
Anyway, I took some prescription ibuprofen a few minutes ago for my leg, so I should be out and asleep shortly. I have been falling asleep before midnight lately....whew.

dollofdreams @ 2008-11-09T20:18:00

2008-11-10T01:27:10Z

Owen is potty trained! Well, except number 2. He still needs a diaper for that for some reason, but on Friday I took him to school after having a parent teacher conference with his teacher and discussing that he is pretty much trained at home, and he wore underwear all day and told her when he had to go every time! No accidents. Then on Saturday I took him to Gymboree with underwear only and he used the potty there a few times. This was his first time using a public toilet. Later that afternoon we went to a birthday party and he wore only underwear there and yes he used the potty every time! I am SO proud of him. The only thing now is that I need to look for some toilet liners or something for when we go places like Target or WalMart, because Gymboree and my friends house is one thing, but I don't even sit on the public toilets without putting something down so I definitely don't want Owen doing that either. That will be my plan for tomorrow. And then we will continue to work on number 2. But I am just so proud of him. He is finally becoming a little person and is even starting to say more and more words. Did I post about Halloween? I'll have to go check. But Halloween was ok, he enjoyed handing out candy and going to the highly decorated house across the street. It was just him and me, no friends came over and of course Dave wasn't there. He was a bit of a handful by myself, but I'm sure next year will be even better.

dollofdreams @ 2008-10-30T23:26:00

2008-10-31T03:28:27Z

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